Needing Peace

I am desperate for the ability to be content...to be happy. My world, my life, is nothing but transition at this point and I can feel the weight of nothing feeling certain wearing on my heart. It's not being back home in California in and of itself that is challenging. I think more of it has to do with what this place represents and the memories it holds. I didn't realize the extent to which I am used to living life on my own until I came back into a family dynamic. Everyone has opinions and suggestions on how and where I should be applying to work and where I shouldn't be applying and if I am applying to enough places and I am worn out. It's like the world is moving at the same pace it always has and my mind has slowed down as the thoughts race at an all time high. Trying to find a new treatment team while trying to figure out school deadlines for the spring and student loans that need to be paid and a job that needs to be found in order to finance any of the things above... and as my senses and emotions are overwhelmed and the only consistent things I had in place in my life before I moved are gone I crawl into the shadows of my mind and try to escape the unbearable noise of the chaos all around me. I feel ungrateful and selfish. I feel like my family is doing nothing but trying to help in any way they know how... so why am I so cold? Why am I so weighed down with guilt and shame and sadness. I feel like people look at me and I stare through them, not knowing how to answer the most simple questions. I am at a loss for effort, a loss for energy...im at a loss for words. I feel like all I do is try to figure out life right now and there is nothing but criticism...constant questions about turning in applications and emailing people about jobs and searching websites and the more I do the more I feel like nothing is enough.

The people at Summit have been so incredibly nice to me. A lady named Cindy who does assessments has made me feel so cared for and like I matter. But they can't set me up with a dietitian in their program and I don't know if there are alot of choices for their outpatient therapists. I fear the worst at all times...that i will be misunderstood and not believed and alone...and pay alot of money to be a diagnosis. So I start to rationalize why I don't need a dietitian and don't know if i need a treatment team all while I graciously slip back into the chains of an eating disorder. It's not what I want and I am not going to let it happen... but in order for that statement to be true I have to change something and make changes...changes I often don't have the capacity to make in this upside down world. So instead I manage. I do what I can to show my gratitude and love to my family. I try to be the person I want to be instead of the person I am...which is the very fault of the person who broke my heart just months ago...pretending to be the person you want to be instead of living in the truth of where you are does nothing but set up expectation you can't ever emotionally live up to.

So for now its a day at a time. I hold tight to the hope that is my God. I pray for direction and for His love and presence to be so real and tangible, that its as if He is right next to me, holding my hand. I pray for peace. I pray that I never take a single day for granted and strive to love above all else.