my prayer, my heart

I keep telling myself that I will look back on this season in my life and see all the amazing ways the Lord was providing for me. I keep telling myself that the job that will fit me best is one I haven't applied for yet and that I simply have not met the treatment team that will walk me through the fire. I keep telling myself these things all while looking into my reflection and seeing in my eyes just how much I don't believe a word of it. I mean I do. I do believe the Lord is at work...I don't think there is a place I can go or run to where He won't be at work in my life. However I constantly second guess myself. I wonder if I am applying for the wrong jobs or not applying to the right ones. I wonder if the therapist I met with this week just seemed crazy because she doesn't even compare to Tiffany...or if she was just tough with me and that's why I wasn't a huge fan...or if she really is not a great match for me...or if its what I really think it is - she lacks experience in this field and I really don't want to be a guinea pig. I don't want to walk away because I am closed off but at the same time I don't want to start with someone I won't connect with and waste weeks, waste money, and chance things getting worse. Everything seems to on edge right now. I feel like my whole life hangs in balance and as the wind blows I falter back and forth...I never know if one big gust will send me over the edge.
After talking with Tiffany today I was more aware of how hard my heart is and has become. It's like in my inability to be anything but real with her I see parts of myself surface that aren't nearly as kind and open as I would hope. I see patches of anger and roots of bitterness. I find frustration with the Lord and at a deeper level see that the frustration really is in my inability to surrender fully and yield completely. I see my lack of trust, resulting in a lack of faith. And on days like today I come face to face with a broken hearted God...one who I know loves me deeply...and one who longs for me to simply crawl into His lap and allow him to carry me through this land that is so foreign to me. If only I understood His love for me. If only I understood what it means to trust someone to never leave or die or grow weary of my constant failure. If only I didn't hide in my shame and remove myself from the hope that He promises I have in Him. If only I wasn't so afraid.

So tonight all I have to offer is a prayer, is my heart...knowing there is no amount of processing that can ease the pain and the loneliness... knowing there is only one who can comfort with true hope.

Father God I come to you Lord so ashamed. I feel like there are chains resting heavy upon my body, as if every movement takes more strength then I possess. God I repent for doing life my way. I repent for running from you instead of into your arms. Lord I pray for my heart to be awakened to your goodness. God make your presence and your love known to me this week. Reveal your heart for me to me and help me to daily trust in you more. I need your help. I don't know how to keep moving forward. All I have is you right now and I know that in some ways that is a beautiful place to be in...because you alone can get the glory for everything in my life. You alone must be my savior...you alone must be my God. I repent for placing idols before you. I repent for placing my hope in my appearance and my own strength. Lord show me where to apply for jobs. Show me where you want me to be each and every moment of every day. Show me how to love your children and your sheep and show me how to give that same love and compassion to myself. Show me when to rely less on the support of this world and when to rely solely on you. Lord give me wisdom to walk out this life well. Lord God I long to be the woman you have designed for me to be. Help me to walk through the fire and the pain and the testing without running away and numbing out the pain. Help me to cling to you and walk with courage believing that you will provide. That you have already redeemed me. That you will never leave me. That you love me more than anyone else in this world ever could...and that the plans you have for my life were made by you...the creator of my hopes, my dreams, and my desires. Help me come to you when i feel lost. Help me hold onto you when I feel alone. Help me to put action behind my steps when you tell me to move. I pray Lord that this week you would show me where I need to apply for a job. I pray that you would calm my anxious heart and help me to use this season to build my faith as I see you move mountains. I will trust in you. I will place my hope in your name. I give you my fears and my pain. I can't do this my way anymore. Lead me Lord and I will follow. Guide my steps and I will move as you lead. This is not my life...but yours alone. I love you. I need you. I am humbled to be called your daughter. Light the fire in my heart and remind me that you are near. Be real to me this week. I believe you for the life that is to come. I believe you for the life that is today. I believe you. You alone are enough for me.