watching the world pass me by

I don't have a feeling to describe the way I feel. Instead I have a picture, a situation per say... and that picture embodies my voice, attempts to communicate in my lack of words. Its a scene in a movie I have seen many times. A person in some shape or fashion takes a physical step backwards... within a busy street with people walking every which way to get to work or school or families at home. Everyone is in a hurry and talking on their phones or texting and trying to catch a taxi. But the character steps back and though they are standing still the world around them goes into some sort of fast forward...as if life just keeps moving and changing and somehow, mentally- which is being portrayed physically- they are separated from reality and time, and deep within themselves they are standing still. Body frozen in place, eyes staring blankly into the distance...in a way which would lead you to believe you could look straight into her soul, that is if anyone noticed she was there at all.

That's how I feel. Separated by my own lack of movement yet not able to fully withdraw from the reality which are the demands and expectations of an everyday life. Avoiding eye contact, avoiding heart contact...hoping to somehow come back to life in time to catch up with the world around me. Sand falling to indicate my number of breaths is running out. Lost inside a tunnel where a small dot of light is visible...yet seemingly too far away to get to before its too late. My mind completely still and simultaneously racing to the rhythm of my pounding heart. Screaming with no noise. Crying with no tears. Silence so loud it can drive you insane.

There is a song out right now by Rascal Flats called Easy. The exact content of the song doesn't parallel my situation, in terms of it all being about a broken relationship, but the concept fits perfectly. We, or I guess I should say "I" go through life trying to make living seem effortless. I try as hard as I can to be the version of myself I so desperately want to be. I work hard. I portray confidence and lightness. I say the right things at the right times and I laugh off pain as though it is nothing but a slight discomfort in my otherwise blessed life. The line of the song that I so relate to is this,

"But what she, what she don't know.
Is how hard it is to make it look so, Easy."

I so relate to that. I work so hard to make it look like living life is easy. That to love deeply is easy. That working hard and laughing light and taking risks is so easy...when in all reality I am stuck inside a heart that blocks out the world around me. I am the girl stepping back as the rest of the world passes by...staring blankly through the deep sadness, the heavy heart, the fear and the hopeless ambivalence.

All I really want is to be loved deeply...to be known fully, and to be worth fighting for. And the crazy thing is that deep love, undeserved worth, that hope is standing right in front of me. Its so real and so beautiful and yet feels so hard to embrace...to trust...to get used to. Christ thought I was worth fighting for. He loved me enough to see me in the depth of my sin and fight to bring me back to him...he loved me too much to let me go...to reap the consequence of my mistakes. Everyday He offers me that gift of grace. Moment by moment he offers his hand to walk me through...and more often than not I turn away in shame...because to be loved, to be known, is too painful. Which kinda bring me to the second rascal flatts song called I won't let go. I believe the chorus of that song is the Lord's heart for us...his deep desire for us to know that we are never alone.

I wish it was just that easy. To open yourself to love. To be known and be embraced for it. To accept the past in order to make it stop torturing the present. To let tears fall without shame. To put words to the unspeakable. To stop the cycle. To be whole. To be free.

I believe there is hope that is worth fighting for. Even when I can't feel it...even when I can't see it. Even when I am frozen in time, watching the world pass me by...I hold tight to the promise that with Christ nothing is impossible.

Better than a Hallelujah

Now matter where I am in my life it seems as though there is some other place I would like to be. When I was in Nashville I always thought moving home would fix the perpetual loneliness...because surly when you are living with your family there is never a moment to be alone...causing one to conclude there will be a lack of loneliness. It's easy to forget that loneliness is a place deep inside the core of who you are and isn't fixed with the presence of other people. Now that I am here in California I long for the days when I was in Nashville, thinking at least there I had friendships and relationships with people I loved and trusted. So I sit here perplexed because I can't seem to grasp the skill of being content. It is as though if I were to stop long enough to take in the moment, my lack of movement would cause the very beauty of the season to crumble beneath my feet.

Last night I was painting at a pottery place finishing up a dog bowl I was making for Bella. I had started it weeks before and hadn't quite finished the detailing I was doing on the sides and some of the stenciling needed a second coat. So I sat as still as I possibly could focusing all my attention into the precision of tracing back over the fancy letters that marked the bowl with her name. My hands were shaking and it took so much concentration to dip the tip of the brush into a tiny amount of paint and gently darken the paint already in place. I thought about the patience that was being required of me. I thought about how slow I had to go in order to get the result I wanted. And as I sat and listened to Amy Grant's "Better than a Hallelujah" my eyes welled up with tears. I am so careless with my life. I take things that are so fragile and delicate...my heart, my recovery, my trust and I refuse to slow down and with shaky hands brush by brush build upon the way I want my life to turn out. Instead I choose any brush and throw some paint onto a tray and hope the colors and textures match up...and then am honestly so surprised when the result is far from beautiful...far from how I envisioned it to be. I treat myself as though I am a useless piece of art with no hope of ever becoming something worthy to be seen. I throw away the tears and the sweat and the intense pain I have already placed into making my life free from the grasp of my past...I take the value that others have marked me with and have beat myself down to something no one would want...because at least then I won't be hurt by the worth at which I am appraised.

Its been a hard week. At times I refuse to write in order to preserve the image people have of me. I want people to think I am doing great and fantastic. That I have my shit together and that I am somehow different than the girl they remembered me to be. I fear forever being the hopeless cause...the girl who never got better because she was too stubborn to take responsibility for her life. And the funny thing is that my version of taking responsibility is taking responsibility for everything and everyone...or refusing the existence of things that would give someone else the responsibility over me. Have you ever had the pleasure of having a debt collector call you repeatedly? They leave intimidating messages or have people call with beautiful accents and threaten to take everything you own if you don't do what they say you must. Well instead of facing these people. Telling them what I can do to work toward the goal we both have, I refuse to answer my phone. I put my phone on silent and I feel sick every time I see their missed calls. I refuse to listen to their messages and hope that if i ignore them long enough they will give up on me and leave me alone. The problem is that it normally just doesn't work that way. It is a battle of wills and they are being paid to settle this so in all reality they have alot more motivation than I do to keep calling until they get what they want. This is exactly how I live my life when it comes to the painful things that keep my sick. This week I have felt the weight of some of my fears. Perceived abandonment or major change. Feeling so alone... people who once held you close are now holding you at arms length. After days of pulling away, trying to show them that I am not that hard to love, I open up my heart in total fear and vulnerability only to find that arms length is now the stance of our relationship and that my fears have been seemingly confirmed. Terrified. I spend so much of my life running from this very feeling all because of how deeply it tore my life apart. I see the anger that comes up inside of me which immediately turns to fear and regret and I start asking for forgiveness when there is nothing to be forgiven for. I have learned to operate out of always assuming I am doing something wrong and taking responsibility for things I can't control. And part of me thinks its this very attitude that keeps me alone and constantly fighting an uphill fight...every time I fall I roll back to the bottom and start from the beginning all over again. And I start to ask myself what it is that makes someone so afraid...like when a dog cowers at any raised voice or raised hand. You wonder what they have walked through that has taught them there is a need for their reaction.

So as I struggle to find a place to rest my head from the insanity that has become my life I pour out my heart before the Lord praying that, as it says in Amy Grants song, a broken heart and deep longing for His touch would be "better than a hallelujah."


*** Lord God I pray for my heart to be open to love, to be open to change, and be open to following you with total abandon. I pray that you would help me turn this path, this heart, and this life around as a testimony of your power and to bring glory to you alone. I pray Lord that instead of running from the people you have placed in my life to help me walk through this pain that you would give me the courage to push past the fear and walk with courage...and allow my heart to be healed through the love and relationship that is being given. Help me know that my hope is in you alone.***

A mean disease

It's a mean disease. Everything from the past root issues, the trauma, the abandonment to the numbers and the addiction and the desperation to cling to a lifeless embodiment of lies. It's cruel. It is vicious. It's mean. I know that seems childish. I know standing back as an innocent victim seems a bit naive or ignorant. But I think there are moments in time when I am just taken back by how deceptively the roots of an eating disorder slip down into the cracks of your life and before you know it your hands are tied together and you feel as though the world could never understand how you can love something and hate something simultaneously with such raw and desperate passion.
It doesn't play fair. In fact it actually serves a purpose and meets a legitimate need and brings relief to an aching heart. It confuses the mind by bandaging the wound and leaves you perpetually empty, a nice change from the fullness of emotion.
I drove home from work today in silence. Five O'clock traffic was wearing down my already shot nerves and all I could do was stare ahead of me. I didn't have the capacity to listen to the radio or even sing to music. I was incredibly frustrated because in that moment I ached for the numbness that the eating disorder would bring me. I was desperate for the sound of my mind racing with thoughts and numbers to the degree that it would provide white noise for the emotional torment of a triggered memory. I spent a lifetime avoiding the truth and now I feel like I will spend the rest of my life trying to forget. And its silly because I know food has nothing to do with why things are hard right now. It's not about calories or fat or numbers...and yet those are the things that send me over the edge... that take me from pretending nothing happened at all to melting into a puddle. I didn't want to go out to lunch again today. I really didn't. So when it was another restaurant I didn't know with another man I am still getting to know I was overwhelmed before we even sat down. Things just went downhill from there. By the time we were leaving our last agent's office I was reeling with anxiety and yet showing nothing but calm. I was amazed how put together I could appear to be when inside I couldn't think straight. Its a talent that has aided in my detriment. So as I drove home in total silence I felt like a drug addict needing a fix...an alcoholic needing a drink. But I can't stay abstinent from my drug of choice. I knew I had to go home and face the demon and stand against it, when I felt completely powerless to do so. It seems mean. Like making an alcoholic go sit in a bar 3 times a day or an addict go hang out at their dealers house. I am not saying those addictions are any less difficult to overcome than my own...im just saying its a different level of having to daily take part on the very thing that has destroyed my life.

There is a little girl who I have been connected with who just entered treatment for the first time. I have friends who are dying. Literally. Yes its about the food right now but its not. Each one of them have a story and within it food took hold of them in some way shape or form. Too much or not even close to enough. It promised to sooth their emptiness and bring control to a world that had failed them, crushed them, and left them to fend for themselves. It's a mean disease, fueled by a mean past. My heart pounds in frustration tonight as I continue staring..looking past the screen in front of me and into the eyes of the moments, the people, who took my heart away. Some days I wonder if the greatest treatment, when in combination with professional help, is love. Not for any other reason then that they are who they are and deserve to be handled gently and loved fully. Maybe, just maybe, if they could find the comfort of Jesus through the arms of his people they wouldn't be so desperate to be held by the illusion of control. What if we held them. What if we loved them. What if they really didn't have to be alone.

I simply long for the day that freedom flows out of my words, my thoughts, and my actions. I long for the day when I can feel the Lord pick me up and carry me through the past, healing the wounds, and bring me into my present...going before me into my future. It's a mean disease...but I have a God who is bigger.

my mind is screaming

This is the first time in a long time that I have felt such a desperation to write. There is no direction I am intending to go, no frustration I am trying to sort out. I simply, for one moment, need there to be no filter, no restraint, no pressure to be something or someone that I am not. I think I have carried hope for such a long time, believing that things will one day be different. However deep down I know it is not the kind of different that will ever happen. I have longed for there to be a day when suddenly I find what has been missing. The wound inside my heart is healed with no scars to show. Relationships are easy. Joy is found in abundance. Food is the furthest thing I am focusing on. It is the idealized depiction of a world that could be... but one that had become as easy to believe in as unicorns and mermaids... as there ever being perfection in every aspect of who I am.

I can't help but think its not supposed to be this way. I know that in the garden so long ago humanity became separated from the life we were created to live... separated from the one we were created to abide in. But everyday I see people who are living in this world and they are alive. They are not weighed down with anxiety and depression and fear of everyone and everything. They aren't overwhelmed by the idea of change and paralyzed in the midst of it. I meet people who enjoy life and seem to have peace in the confidence of our maker. And I wonder to myself, why can't I? I think the easy thing to do would be to turn to my past and place all responsibility on what has been done to me... but I just can't do that and actually believe it to be true. So its actually easy for me to take a can of spray paint and cover over all the pictures in the story of my life. I want so desperately to believe that my stories are nothing but lies and ploys for attention and excuses for failing to live a normal life. I want the sole problem to be me... that I have done something to deserve to feel this way or that I have brought this upon myself... because if the problem lies in my sanity and my behavior then I can fix it. Lets say I am a liar and I lie to everyone I meet. And lets say the punishment for that is extreme anxiety or fear... then the insanity will only last as long as I am bad... which means there isn't permanent damage, you know? I can change my behavior. I can be a better person. I can love deeper, serve more, encourage better. But lets say for argument sake something did happen. The abuse was real... then what. I can't take that away. I can't erase the damage that did to my heart and my mind. I would be abandoned with the memories and remain at the mercy of another person. I would be shattered, in a state that can never be flawlessly put back together. Millions of little pieces glued side by side, hoping to reconstruct something that resembles that life I once knew. But everything inside is different and the person staring back at me in the mirror is a stranger. I try to be better, just obviously not hard enough.

I know there are people who are able to find healing. There are people who bounce back and are able to resume life...often times being changed for the better by what they have endured. But I don't know if I have the strength to keep believing that for myself. I am so frustrated by how hard this transition has been for me. Every thought I have is intensified by anxiety and fear and it steals away joy, contentment, moments with my family. They say to stop freaking out and to just calm down but what does that even mean? When I feel like I am being swallowed alive by a life that is headed in an opposite direction of where I want to go. I feel like what I wants doesn't even matter. I feel like I am getting advice from everyone around me telling me about how good the direction I am heading in will be. I feel like I am screaming at the top of my lungs telling everyone I am going the wrong way and that this isn't what I want and I honestly feel like it doesn't matter. Like when I open my mouth nothing comes out... its like I am living in a nightmare where I am crying and falling apart and everyone somehow sees me smiling and happy. Outwardly I appear to be doing the right things but in all reality on the inside I feel like I am being tortured...like I am watching my greatest fears being lived out right before my eyes and no one except me sees a thing.

In reality the reason no one can hear me is because I actually am not saying anything. I am not screaming, but instead I am saying the right things at the right times... trying desperately to be the person I want to be. I kept living out the definition of insanity, trying harder and harder to turn into the person I pretend to be, and getting stuck in the same place I have been for the last 15 years. It isn't something anyone else has put on to me...but its this brokenness that so many days I don't believe I will ever live without. Moving is hard. It takes months, sometimes years to establish a new life. I have been here for a month. But I feel like I am drowning. I feel like the need is now. I feel like the world is slipping through my fingers and I am doing my best to hold on. But much like sand it slips through the cracks in my life and before I know it there is too little that remains to get back what I have lost.

I don't know what comes next. I don't know how to try and put a positive spin on how I am feeling. I do know the truth is that there is hope. That change takes time. And that there is a love that can heal the deepest wound. I pray for the strength to embrace, to trust, and to lose myself in my maker, so that one day I can honestly say, I am free.

silent understanding

I know I hold a double standard. I know that I expect people to be sensitive to a past that I won't share with them...that I wouldn't even consider allowing them to know the slightest details about... they say they would want to know. Trust me when I tell you just how untrue that is. There is a dark world out there. We watch the news and read terrible stories about people who have walked through horrific situations. Talk shows, books, and magazines all share details that make most shudder and sadly shake their heads, wondering how there are people in this world who could do such hurtful things to children, to spouses, to perfect strangers. However the very thing that makes those stories bearable is the disconnect between them. What is interesting is how different the story becomes when someone you love is a part of it. When you are a part of it. I listen as other people tell their stories, and God knows I haven't been through anything compared to some people... but they talk about their story, these horrific things as though they are talking about a movie they watched or a book they read. Stone faced, stone hearts, reconstructing a life that has been forever shaken by a past that won't disappear. New movies won't replace the words and the scenes that are forever etched in your mind. You fall asleep at night only to relive the same story told through different characters in different contexts in different nightmares.
Tonight I sat and listened to my sister, talking to my mom, telling a story of a friend from high school who was beaten by his father and step mom. I listened as she talked about him telling his story to her and my mom this afternoon and how they both were in tears. I listened to her shock and horror and her repeating over and over how confused she was that he wouldn't have said anything... that he didn't tell anyone. She understood that he was threatened... but still how could he have stayed silent all those years. They sat and talked and talked about how heart breaking it was and what she would have done if she had known.
It's weird when there is an unspoken understanding. It's crazy how the stories are different but so similar at the same time. Maybe its verbal abuse. Maybe its physical, maybe its emotional or sexual. The degree or severity varies and the situations are unique...but the unspoken understanding bleeds through and touches anyone who has been scarred by it. You can look in their eyes and know that they know and for a moment its beautiful because you don't feel so alone. But as quickly as that feeling comes it is replaced with brokenness. You often feel more broken for them than you ever could for yourself. You have lived with your own pain...you never get used to someone else's. You pray that the world will never understand. You pray that those you love will never get close enough to it to feel the chill that it leaves behind in its wake. You desperately want to protect those you love from the very thing that you were not. So the silence continues. The eye contact is lost and you go about your every day lives, putting as much distance between you and the pain that you can...trying to allow it to change you for the better...believing it has made you the person you are today...because believing anything else would be devastating.
There is no pity that is desired. I know very few who want the attention and pity that the world can offer. There really is no point I am even trying to make. I guess I am merely making an observation. I guess it seems that the pain in other people is the very thing that connects you to them. We want to have spot free lives that are easy to share and be a part of. I don't necessarily think that the silent understanding, the connection that is unspoken, needs to be anything other than unspoken. I guess I just find it interesting that no matter how hard we try or how fast we run from the past that seems to have totally screwed us up...how great the mask or how beautiful the picture we paint is...in a moment, in a story, you are transported back. No matter how many miles or bricks or road blocks you have put in place to keep it away... in a scent, in a word, in the eyes of a child you know is holding back more than anyone would assume...you return. And it's as real as the day, days, months, years it happened. You don't necessarily have to stay...but each time it makes it more difficult to deny its presence. Each time you are reminded that it's a part of you. The question then I guess is how to move forward without the intent to forget...because when you spend your life trying to forget it makes it that much more painful when you are brought back, and are forced to look it in the eyes...most likely not your own eyes... but in the silent understanding of those who have been torn apart by abuse. It's the club you never want to be a part of... and the one you are never asked if you want to join...

my prayer, my heart

I keep telling myself that I will look back on this season in my life and see all the amazing ways the Lord was providing for me. I keep telling myself that the job that will fit me best is one I haven't applied for yet and that I simply have not met the treatment team that will walk me through the fire. I keep telling myself these things all while looking into my reflection and seeing in my eyes just how much I don't believe a word of it. I mean I do. I do believe the Lord is at work...I don't think there is a place I can go or run to where He won't be at work in my life. However I constantly second guess myself. I wonder if I am applying for the wrong jobs or not applying to the right ones. I wonder if the therapist I met with this week just seemed crazy because she doesn't even compare to Tiffany...or if she was just tough with me and that's why I wasn't a huge fan...or if she really is not a great match for me...or if its what I really think it is - she lacks experience in this field and I really don't want to be a guinea pig. I don't want to walk away because I am closed off but at the same time I don't want to start with someone I won't connect with and waste weeks, waste money, and chance things getting worse. Everything seems to on edge right now. I feel like my whole life hangs in balance and as the wind blows I falter back and forth...I never know if one big gust will send me over the edge.
After talking with Tiffany today I was more aware of how hard my heart is and has become. It's like in my inability to be anything but real with her I see parts of myself surface that aren't nearly as kind and open as I would hope. I see patches of anger and roots of bitterness. I find frustration with the Lord and at a deeper level see that the frustration really is in my inability to surrender fully and yield completely. I see my lack of trust, resulting in a lack of faith. And on days like today I come face to face with a broken hearted God...one who I know loves me deeply...and one who longs for me to simply crawl into His lap and allow him to carry me through this land that is so foreign to me. If only I understood His love for me. If only I understood what it means to trust someone to never leave or die or grow weary of my constant failure. If only I didn't hide in my shame and remove myself from the hope that He promises I have in Him. If only I wasn't so afraid.

So tonight all I have to offer is a prayer, is my heart...knowing there is no amount of processing that can ease the pain and the loneliness... knowing there is only one who can comfort with true hope.

Father God I come to you Lord so ashamed. I feel like there are chains resting heavy upon my body, as if every movement takes more strength then I possess. God I repent for doing life my way. I repent for running from you instead of into your arms. Lord I pray for my heart to be awakened to your goodness. God make your presence and your love known to me this week. Reveal your heart for me to me and help me to daily trust in you more. I need your help. I don't know how to keep moving forward. All I have is you right now and I know that in some ways that is a beautiful place to be in...because you alone can get the glory for everything in my life. You alone must be my savior...you alone must be my God. I repent for placing idols before you. I repent for placing my hope in my appearance and my own strength. Lord show me where to apply for jobs. Show me where you want me to be each and every moment of every day. Show me how to love your children and your sheep and show me how to give that same love and compassion to myself. Show me when to rely less on the support of this world and when to rely solely on you. Lord give me wisdom to walk out this life well. Lord God I long to be the woman you have designed for me to be. Help me to walk through the fire and the pain and the testing without running away and numbing out the pain. Help me to cling to you and walk with courage believing that you will provide. That you have already redeemed me. That you will never leave me. That you love me more than anyone else in this world ever could...and that the plans you have for my life were made by you...the creator of my hopes, my dreams, and my desires. Help me come to you when i feel lost. Help me hold onto you when I feel alone. Help me to put action behind my steps when you tell me to move. I pray Lord that this week you would show me where I need to apply for a job. I pray that you would calm my anxious heart and help me to use this season to build my faith as I see you move mountains. I will trust in you. I will place my hope in your name. I give you my fears and my pain. I can't do this my way anymore. Lead me Lord and I will follow. Guide my steps and I will move as you lead. This is not my life...but yours alone. I love you. I need you. I am humbled to be called your daughter. Light the fire in my heart and remind me that you are near. Be real to me this week. I believe you for the life that is to come. I believe you for the life that is today. I believe you. You alone are enough for me.

Needing Peace

I am desperate for the ability to be content...to be happy. My world, my life, is nothing but transition at this point and I can feel the weight of nothing feeling certain wearing on my heart. It's not being back home in California in and of itself that is challenging. I think more of it has to do with what this place represents and the memories it holds. I didn't realize the extent to which I am used to living life on my own until I came back into a family dynamic. Everyone has opinions and suggestions on how and where I should be applying to work and where I shouldn't be applying and if I am applying to enough places and I am worn out. It's like the world is moving at the same pace it always has and my mind has slowed down as the thoughts race at an all time high. Trying to find a new treatment team while trying to figure out school deadlines for the spring and student loans that need to be paid and a job that needs to be found in order to finance any of the things above... and as my senses and emotions are overwhelmed and the only consistent things I had in place in my life before I moved are gone I crawl into the shadows of my mind and try to escape the unbearable noise of the chaos all around me. I feel ungrateful and selfish. I feel like my family is doing nothing but trying to help in any way they know how... so why am I so cold? Why am I so weighed down with guilt and shame and sadness. I feel like people look at me and I stare through them, not knowing how to answer the most simple questions. I am at a loss for effort, a loss for energy...im at a loss for words. I feel like all I do is try to figure out life right now and there is nothing but criticism...constant questions about turning in applications and emailing people about jobs and searching websites and the more I do the more I feel like nothing is enough.

The people at Summit have been so incredibly nice to me. A lady named Cindy who does assessments has made me feel so cared for and like I matter. But they can't set me up with a dietitian in their program and I don't know if there are alot of choices for their outpatient therapists. I fear the worst at all times...that i will be misunderstood and not believed and alone...and pay alot of money to be a diagnosis. So I start to rationalize why I don't need a dietitian and don't know if i need a treatment team all while I graciously slip back into the chains of an eating disorder. It's not what I want and I am not going to let it happen... but in order for that statement to be true I have to change something and make changes...changes I often don't have the capacity to make in this upside down world. So instead I manage. I do what I can to show my gratitude and love to my family. I try to be the person I want to be instead of the person I am...which is the very fault of the person who broke my heart just months ago...pretending to be the person you want to be instead of living in the truth of where you are does nothing but set up expectation you can't ever emotionally live up to.

So for now its a day at a time. I hold tight to the hope that is my God. I pray for direction and for His love and presence to be so real and tangible, that its as if He is right next to me, holding my hand. I pray for peace. I pray that I never take a single day for granted and strive to love above all else.