freedom...it's a choice

Its easy to get discouraged. I start to feel like time is slipping away as I stand with my feet stuck to the ground...moving in slow motions as the world passes me by. I hate this eating disorder. I hate how difficult it is to get better. I don't understand why I can't just decide to be better and be better. Why is it harder then just eating? Why is it so deeply rooted into the core of who I am that the twists and turns have made knots deep inside rooms of my heart that have been disconnected for years. You begin to wonder if you will ever find your way out...you begin to wonder if its too late. My feeding tube broken on friday and so its been days of fighting my ass off to eat and drink boost...feeling so sick from not having all the nutrition i am used to and feeling sick trying to down a boost in 10 seconds. I hate this...I hate fighting. I hate feeling this way and feeling discouraged and depressed. So what do you do? Quit? Throw in the towel and sulk into behaviors that will stroke my flesh? No, sadly thats not the answer. I wish it was. Man, I wish it was. See im finally so tired of feeling this way that when i get to this place I just get mad...because it sucks. There is so much loss in how hard this is...how many years this has stolen from me. But sitting down doesn't get me free. Starving and numbing doesn't get me free. And you may be offended by this but what I am doing right now takes more courage then staying sick ever took. Its hard. Yes. Its painful. Yes. Alot of horrible shit has happened that led me down this path to the place I am at. Yes. But staying here...staying here or getting better is my choice. The reason I got here may have something to do with my past but my past isn't keeping me here. I am keeping me here. I am responsible for taking my life back. Its not fair. It really isn't...but where does that argument get you other then sick and tired and alone? So I ate my dinner and I drank my boost and I feel sick. Yep, its true. But the Lord is my strength. The Lord is my hope. The Lord is my freedom. So even though the pace seems to be painfully slow...its forward movement. I am the daughter of the King. I deserve more then this life of bondage...and believing that is the first step to getting there. Keep fighting. The truth is...either way you make a choice...and by not making a choice the choice has been made. Choose to fight. Choose to live. Choose to love deep and breath deep of the Lord. He alone is good. He alone is the path to freedom...close your eyes and keep stepping out in faith...its the free fall of your life. But its worth it. The one who catches you is the one who walks on water.