painting pictures

Last night at frontline we had a time of just sitting before the Lord, practicing just being still before Him. The goal was to stop presenting requests before Him or asking Him to meet needs we have...but instead just be still, and listen. So, as I was just sitting still before the Lord He started to paint a picture for me. The funny thing is that it came out almost in a dance...in a short sequences of movements and situations with the Lord. I saw myself on a stage, dressed in beautiful light clothing that was flowing over me. On my back was a backpack, which seems quite out of place. At first I could just see myself walking literally weighed down by what I was carrying. I was painstakingly taking each step, looking as if i was being crushed by how heavy it was. People would pass by me, skipping and dancing. When they did I would straighten myself up and try to run beside them, smiling as if nothing was on my back at all. People would at times point to the backpack and I would turn to look behind me as if to ask them what they were talking about. Eventually, every time, people would pass me as I would make a reason of why I was going to stay behind. But in the moments when no one was watching me I would sink to the ground with the weight on my back debilitating me. So then, while on the ground Jesus comes from the left side of the stage behind me and walks up to me. I stand to my feet quickly, embarrassed He found me in such a state. He wants to dance with me and I try and best as I can and quickly can not stand beneath the weight of my backpack. Jesus points to the backpack and I look down in shame and He reaches for it and I turn away quickly...scared of what He is going to try and do with it. He touches my hand gently as if asking me if He can help me carry it and I look in his eyes...not sure of what to think. What if He empties it out in front of me and laughs at its contents. What if He dumps it out at my feet and runs away...leaving me with everything out in the open, alone with no one to help me? I try to resist time after time until finally I let Him hold onto it and I feel the pressure be lifted off me. He kneels down in front of me and I bend beside Him and I see that He is starting to unzip the zipper. I grab His hand and try to stop Him, not fully knowing what He would find when He opened it. He looked at me so gently and so softly and I took my hand off his and let Him finish opening the heavy bag. He pulls out a brick and I look at it and feel sick. My world starts spinning and I shove it back in and pick it back up and run away. The same scene happens and I try many things...one being to have Him put down the bag and leave it as we run away. But the moment I run away its back on my back and its weight pulls me to the ground. Again we walk out the same scene and we get back to unzipping the bag together and taking out the brick and suddenly I see a scene in front of me as a little girl, maybe 4 years old, in a nightgown crying, screaming, shoving the brick into this backpack. I see that little girl put on the backpack...she seems to small to carry around something so heavy. Suddenly I am back with Jesus staring into His eyes, watching tears fall down His face. I'm confused, scared, unsure of how to react to what I have just seen. He touches my hand to his tears and holds out his arms to hold me. I see that He is trying to teach me how to respond to what He has just seen. He is trying to show me how He responded when it happened...and trying to show me its ok to go back and walk through that time with that little girl. Finally after looking at the brick for long enough we would stand up and walk over to a big cross that had appeared. I would look down and see that the brick I was holding would have a hole in the middle of it and I could go over and nail it to the cross. Jesus would hand me a piece of paper signed with his blood and I would place that paper back in the bag, place it back on me, and the exchange was over. Each time the backpack would be lighter. He seemed to be telling me that the only way to get rid of the backpack was to open it and go through it together...and then to nail the bricks to the cross in exchange for a piece of paper, each one signed with his blood. And the more time that went by the more I was able to run and skip beside Him. I wasn't nearly as weighed down by the backpack...it was there, but I started to notice it less and less. After awhile I stopped walking away from Jesus. I would place the backpack back on and just stay near him. We would walk together and talk together and then sometimes take the backpack off and remove another brick. We did this until all the bricks were gone and they had all been nailed to the cross...and all that was left inside that bag was signed pieces of paper, bearing his name. I was able to move freely and dance with others as they passed by. Times would come that I would walk through a dark patch and I would find a brick and be tempted to put it back inside the empty bag...but Jesus would remind me to stop and to look at it. I would watch His face and his posture so I could learn how to react to it...we would cry together and then go and nail it to the cross. I started to learn that the hard and painful circumstances didn't go away...but that in the pain I always had a choice...to put the weight of it on me and carry it...or to look at it with Jesus and nail it to the cross. Looking at it seemed much more painful in the moment...but it saved me from having to carry it with me everywhere i went. Jesus was teaching me how to dance again...and showing me that I didn't have to carry the weight of a past on my own...but that I could look at it and exchange it for the freedom of the cross. We can't put down a full backpack and walk away...the only way to lighten the load is to open it up and face the pain and exchange it for grace...He wants me to dance again. He wants me to trust Him.