Who has needs? Not me ; )

I hate it when I am wrong. I hate it when I am determined to show the world my independence and it only turns into a demonstration of my need for others...and really my need for full dependence on God. I walked into my appointments on Tuesday with boldness and determination to convince my dietitian and therapist that I have no need for a feeding tube at this point. My argument was great and my attitude was extremely positive. Genuinely positive. My dietitian tried to tell me it was like stopping a medication just because you are feeling better...that the whole reason you are feeling better is because the medication is working. So we made a deal. I can keep the feeding tube out as long as I follow my current meal plan with an addition of a few things, drink 1 boost to start at night, and then maintain and or gain weight...if I fail to do any of those things, well, the tube goes back in. It sounds so simple, right? I confidently signed a contract with those words down on paper and thought to myself, "how hard can it be?"
So this morning I am sitting at my computer staring out the window at snow covered creation and wondering why it is that we try so hard to do life on our own...in our own strength. What is it about needing help from friends, professionals,and even medical technology that makes us so stubbornly determined to be able to live life on our own? I guess I can only speak for myself but I think its having to face that feeling, that big part of your heart, that longs to be loved...and the scary part is that we have no ability to fill that place or that need for ourselves. We are limited. And I, for one, don't like that on little bit. But the crazy thing is that part of my fear is the inability to predict and control that those needs will always get met. I think possibly the craziest part of this whole thing is that we have the creator of the universe telling us to let Him meet each one of those needs...promising that He will never leave us. And still so often I very politely thank him for his offer but tell him I have it covered. But lets be serious. I think we have all had situation where we felt like God didn't come through. He didn't save the loved one who was sick. He didn't stop the abuse from happening. He didn't keep the divorce from happening...and we see those things, I see those things, and I very sweetly and innocently say, hmmmmmm, really? Seriously? I always secretly thought to myself, " What good is it to have a God who will never leave you if He isn't going to protect you?" I mean isn't that what we feel alot of time? Doesn't that at times feel almost more hurtful then if He wasn't there to stop it to begin with? But the problem is that there is this thing in the world called free will. There is this thing called sin that has consequences...and sometimes we happen to be greatly affected by the sin of others. We aren't robots. God gave us the ability to choose life or choose death...and at the fall of man the door to sin was opened and there was no longer perfect unity with God. And there has been such redemption with Jesus. But so often we see sin and the consequences of our sin and the sin of others in our lives and it makes it hard to believe that we are being protected...so its hard to open ourselves up to face that need that burns of the inside of us...and instead of run from it, embrace it. Of course there is the other side of the spectrum where you think you are unable to do anything for yourself and you become totally dependent on the people in your life...and that's not healthy either. But the need will never go away if we just hide it. Even when we have Jesus and believe that He really is all we NEED...we have to embrace that He created us to see and experience relationships here on earth through which His love can become tangible. So the lie today is that needing help or accountability is shameful. The lie is that I SHOULD be able to totally meet all of my own needs and walk into freedom knowing I made it all alone. But truthfully that wouldn't be freedom. The truth is that we were created to need the Lord and need others. Its not strength to fight through life by yourself...strength is being able to ask for help. It takes courage. It takes boldness. The enemy loves for us to have secrets...and he loves for us to be alone. He knows that there is power in the light. He knows that light overcomes all darkness... Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 "Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble."