like sheep without a shepherd

I was reading in Matthew tonight and stumbled upon a verse I have read countless times before...but tonight it took on a whole new meaning. Matthew 9:36 "But when He saw the multitudes, He was moved with compassion for them, because they were weary and scattered, like sheep having no shepherd." I am so thankful for a God who sees a tired, worn out, and broken people and is moved with compassion for them. At times i am just overwhelmed by how much I need the Lord's compassion. Last night I had a meeting with some people that I really didn't want to go to or b e a part of. Mentors and leaders in my life were basically telling me I wasn't strong enough to be a part of a church plant that I have been planning on doing for about a year now. I was angry and annoyed and feeling rather discouraged and rejected. Something in me was stirred up when the man who was kinda leading the meeting spoke to me. He wasn't mean per say or angry but he was bold. He was confident and He was in a leadership position over me and I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Hatred rose up in me from the core of who I am and I sat patiently waiting until I could non dramatically stand up and leave. Hatred of men. Hatred for the ways I have been violated and misused. Hatred for the abandonment and lies and lack of provision. Hatred for the years of not having a voice...not having a shepherd to guide me. Without a shepherd we wander. I wander. I have wandered for years thinking that a shepherd was something for the weak...and so I found my way past wolves and fires but the soot on my skin and the fear of my back leave reminders of living life without protection. So its hard when people want to love you. Its hard when people want to guide you and steer you...because all you have known to do is to trust no one and wander. They want to help and you want them close enough to stay in arms reach but never close enough to get too close. But it doesn't work that way. Alone at the end of the day you look to see that the thing you have been holding to for all these years is a lie...a facade that was really never there to begin with.
There is more to this life then this. There is more to this life then living inside the bondage of an eating disorder. There is more to life then the numbers and the depression and the pain that eats away at your soul. There is more to the girl in the mirror than a number on a scale or inside a pair of pants. We have a shepherd... though we can't see Him He is there. And He has compassion on us that moves his heart. Isn't that comforting? Its time to learn to live under the care of a shepherd. Its time to walk in green pastures and by still waters. Its time for freedom. It doesn't feel good now but its coming. I am the only one who can stop me from finding freedom and its time for once that I refused to give up or give in...and to learn a new way. Its hard. Its more painful then I can say...but its something different then I have ever tried before. I keep walking...with great tears tonight I keep walking...because there is really nothing left to do but fight.