metabolism

My metabolism amazes me. I know it sounds silly but it really does. Its this thing that is part of me that is at work that i can't see and its working for my health and wellness...ok, and get ready to make fun of me. So I feel like there are some comparisons between how i have seen God and how I have seen my metabolism. Let me explain. So my struggle has, for the most part, been not eating. Anorexia has stolen so much from me and the whole time I have been yelling at my body, my metabolism, for being so damn slow. I seriously would tell everyone that my body hates me. I starve it and starve it and it just keeps holding onto everything it has, refusing to lose weight. I had friends that just thought about not eating and they would lose a few pounds. Doctors would tell me how fortunate I was that my body took care of me by refusing to lose more weight or by slowing it down so i could stay "stable." I would roll my eyes and make a comment about wishing it would just let me die and we would move forward. But i look back and its like my metabolism was saving my life. I would yell and scream at my body and my "fat" and punish it...trying to express the pain on the inside and find a way to let it out, somewhere, somehow. BUT, then when i start eating again and want to be better I want my metabolism to be fixed and work right. I demand so much from it and never give it much to work with in return. It just kinda reminds me of my walk with God. I get so chained down with fear when this world throws life at me so i punish my body. I do whatever I can to numb out or control what I can so that I don't have to feel the intensity of pain that my heart is experiencing. So then as I dive into an eating disorder my world falls apart around me and the Lord LOVINGLY allows that to happen. If the Lord gave me what I wanted and allowed life to be beautiful and wonderful I would die of anorexia. So then I have the days that I decide I want to be better and I call on the Lord and say ok! I'm ready now! Come fix me and change everything and love me and hold me and tell me everything will be ok. The Lord hasn't so far in my life responded to those cries by counting to three and healing me. He allows it to be something I have to walk out so that I can learn and grow and see who He really is. Its amazing really. I am so human and walk so often in my flesh...being slow to repent and slow to forgive others. But the Lord is ALWAYS working for our good. He is always working for my good. He never backs down at my mistakes. He never gets frustrated and gives up on me. He just slows down and waits...protecting me when I can't protect myself. Sometimes being protected means not getting what it is we are so desperately desiring. Whenever i get eating back on track or, as is the case right now, have a feeding tube, my metabolism speeds back up super fast. Its crazy really. My dietitian laughs at me because I am so amazed that my body actually uses food when I give it to myself on a regular basis. It turns out my body "hating me" was my my body protecting me, from myself. In the same way, God doesn't let that plan that i have made, which will cause me ultimate destruction, take over HIS plans for my life which are good. He will take any evil in my life and use it for my good. Isn't that amazing? And still I blame Him for so much when I'm in the intensity of my heartache...when really He has been working for my good the whole time.

So I got the feeding tube put back in a few weeks ago and a funny thing happened...my metabolism shot up right away. I tripled my calorie intake and i didn't gain weight. I need to gain weight and I didn't because my metabolism started working. Crazy. Its not against me. Its actually working for my good so that I have a chance to live my life. I am so thankful that Jesus knows me better then I know myself...and that He gives me life freely.

Day 3. Food was rough...but there was some genuine determination and effort. It was far from perfect...but i am hooked up to my feeding pump with the full amount of formula I am supposed to do for the night. God is at work. This really is the beginning of a whole new season. There is so much more to share...but first, I need some sleep.
Give thanks to the Lord our God and King...HIS love endures forever.