not so pretty...

I'm warning you now before you read any further that I am not feeling overly happy and or encouraging. To be really honest I am worn out and really tired of putting on the positive attitude this week. So, bear with me while I let go of the walls all around me and for a moment get to be the person behind the smile. It may not be pretty, but I can tell you one thing, its about as real as you will get.
Depression is clouding every situation in my life right now. There is literally a cloud looming over every circumstance before me, daring me to take one more step and it will release torrents of rain. There is a new feeling that has been added to the mix this week. An emotion that is not one I would ever claim if we were chatting face to face. Its an emotion that threatens me each time I look back into the past I so meticulously avoid. Anger. See my problem with anger is that it assumes the position of worth. If you believe you have worth it will make you angry, among other feelings, when someone treats you unfairly or unjustly. However, if you believe you have no value or worth someone violating you will not make you angry, it will instead make you bitter. Anger scares me because it shows I am believing that what happened wasn't ok, which means i didn't deserve it, which in my mind makes it all the more painful. It destroys the carefully crafted explanation of my past that I have created to explain away my devastation. I feel like all around me the ways I have been able to manage the pain are being taken away from me and I am starting to drown in the unbearable weight of what was and now what has become of me. I hate where I am. I hate the alarms that are going off in my head as people in my life try to walk me out of this addiction of destruction. I hate the feeling that my world is crumbling while the world around me tells me this is the pathway to new life. It really is like a butterfly in its cocoon thinking and feeling like its very life is being taken away...when really its being given wings to fly. Like a drug addict I long for a fix of something...anything to make these feelings go away. Numbness. I want to feel nothing at all as I walk through a season that is challenging the core of who I am...that is challenging the entire way I have walked out this life. I ask myself day after day if its worth it...and the answer that the image in the mirror pleads with me is if there is anything to lose...what is the alternative. Known death or feared death...those are the only options I have anymore. The sad thing is that known death would at least save me the anticipation of the unknown. I am feeling a seas of rejection right now. I am feeling an ocean of violated trust. I am so afraid because the people around me who said they weren't going anywhere might have walked away...and you tell yourself that people are only human. You tell yourself its not personal, there is just alot going on in their own lives. And there is. Its totally true. But it doesn't make it any easier. It makes me look at the empty holes that represent places of people who ARE family and CAN'T go anywhere...or weren't supposed to go anywhere. But death took its stand and it won. It makes you see the reasons you stopped letting people in in the first place...but it leaves you with one really challenging question...was it worth it? Was it worth letting those people in who now seem to be walking away? I want to say no. I want to scream and yell and tell you how much i don't need you or them...or anyone for that matter. But the truth is that my words are empty. The need my heart has only feels more and more out of control as i realize my desire to be loved and cherished. I wish I could say the mean things I am thinking and hurt some people and make them get angry at me...so i could stop hoping they will love me as much as my heart is longing for it.

So, what do I do? Do I pull away? Do I go to a new church and start over with new people and see if I can find a way to do life better this time...until the next time everyone finds out the truth? Or do I bear down and walk through the fire? Do I risk getting burned alive by the people I am wanting love from the most? Its hard. It really feels like someone is slowly killing me as I wilt in not being understood...but...the truth. Sigh, this part is the hardest even to write. The truth is that I have nothing to lose and only life to gain. The truth is that what is being burned is the rebellion and pride of my flesh...and the pain is real. The past hurt is really real. But the path to being free still remains. Walk through the fire and risk losing everything...or walk the life out I have been living for the past 26 years and lose everything to a whole new capacity. I know the Bible tells me I am a new creation...that the old has gone and the new has come. I know the Lord is faithful and good. I know there is more to this life then this pain...

So I hook up to 6 damn cans of formula at night that are infused through a tube in my nose...a tube that lets the world watch me wear my struggles.. I eat the three damn meals during the day...even though I feel like I am gaining 10 pounds with each bite and 5 more with each thought of what I already ate...it feels like slow and painful torture... But I am going to do it. I am doing it and I will cry out to the Lord to walk with me as I lose control of my life and hand it over to the one who knit me together. Its gotta be worth it...and like we have already established...what do I have to lose?