From victory for victory

Its true, we do. We fight and war for our freedom knowing we already have it...because with Christ dwelling within me I have the power of God residing in me. How crazy is that? I know, it sounds like one of those cliche statements that are great to say but not so helpful to hear. But the thing is that I am telling it to myself tonight. Its been quite the day, let me just tell you. I decide yesterday that I am going to start documenting my journey to freedom from an eating disorder, right? Today my feeding tube is blocked ( I know, the feeding tube will require a blog in and of itself, but stay with me), my appointment with my dietitian was canceled due to her getting sick, and my meeting with my mentor fell through as well. And it snowed. Did I mention that? Because for some reason everything seems more difficult when its freezing cold. So, I am not feeling oh so victorious right about now. To be totally honest I screwed up, quite a bit. I had a stretch of about 2 hours when I decided that my problem is that I have been letting people get past my hand crafted walls in my heart. I was loving and living and hoping again...and I was let down. Every cancellation or "I really just don't think I have time today" sentences holds little splinters of abandonment that slip under my skin and painfully throb, just reminding me they are there. So I FEEL like my pain is from people who are trying to take away the one thing that never ever cancels on me. The one thing that never walks away after seeing too little progress in a stretch of time. The one thing that talks me to sleep at night and reminds me that I deserve every minute of the pain I am in. The problem is that it is one of the main things that is stealing my life away from me. This eating disorder is killing me. BUT, the good news is that those feelings are valid, but they aren't truth-filled. The truth, are you ready for this!? The truth is that every time someone cancels an appointment they aren't abandoning me. The truth is that Jesus IS the only person who will never leave or forsake us. The truth is that those walls around my heart have actually kept out much more love then they have pain. The truth is that life is messy and sometimes messy hurts...but messy can be breath taking. Messy can be the awakening of life and love inside of your heart. I can't control the world around me...and the truth is that you can't either. Not really. I wish I could. I really really wish I could...but I believe that someday I won't really want that anymore. Someday not being in control is going to be a beautiful thing...because right now I live controlling the ending to each chapter of my life...much like a choose your own adventure book. That option seems more in control but in all reality, it's totally unknown. No guarantees. No promises. Its just me and what I think is best. Then Jesus is standing right beside so excited He can't even stand it...promising me that in Him, as I allow Him to guide my footsteps, there is a promise of Victory. Why? Because He was Victorious...this world didn't overcome him, death couldn't hold Him down...and that Victory over the cross and the grave is living inside of me. So even though I don't feel victorious...even though i don't feel like fighting...I resume. I stand up and see the lies of the eating disorder and speak out the truth...even when I don't feel like it. Especially when i don't feel like it. Because I have had enough. I have lost everything to this eating disorder...it has left me broken and alone, shattered and depressed. But not any more. The Lord is going to take it all back...but I have to fight. I am the only one who can fight this battle. No one can want it for me. I have to stand and face my past and my pain...but I don't have to do it alone. Jesus is in me and sweet precious friends and mentors and doctors are beside me. Praise the Lord I don't have to feel victorious in order to have Victory...victory is a stance, not necessarily a destination. These are more than empty words...this is truth and its open to you. Come stand beside me. See that Victory has already been given...all you have to do is take hold of it and make it your own. Its not going to be easy...after all, its still a battle.

Today fighting feels horrible and I hear the eating disorder softly calling my name...trying to remind me that I could never live without him. Then He gets louder and louder until I just want to melt into his arms and let the worries of the world slip away. But because I have let people past the walls I have accountability...and they love me enough to be mean and make do what I need to do...but my freedom is worth it to them. They love me that much. I am blessed.

Day two...ever so slightly successful in some areas...complete.