I didn't want to eat dinner tonight. I really didn't want to eat anything challenging all day today. What I felt like doing was staying comfortable. I am already doing so much, I hear myself saying. Don't I deserve to have a day off? I am doing 6 cans of formula at night...so don't I deserve to not have to eat during the day? It sounds reasonable. I actually start to feel sorry for myself for all thw work I am doing and start to feel entitlment creep right in. So as I was sitting and justifing my actions I started to think about everything going on right now. I started thinking about how I am not able to do so many things I am desiring to do because of the limits this eating disorder places on me. I start to think about the main things that are painful right now and most of it has to do with feeling rejected or alone or depressed...which all root back to not being able to live life fully. I have given up so many years to this disease. I live my life constantly fighting for instant gratification. I don't want to feel pain so I numb out using the easiest and quickest thing I can think of. I feel uncomfortable or stressed so I simply choose not to eat so that I can take the edge off the intensity of how I am feeling. I live each moment dependent on my ability to seperate myself whatever is going on in the here and now so that I can survive. Man, what a tactic of the enemy. If the enemy can keep me from living for anything beyond the past and the present pain then he can keep me from living to extend the hope of Jesus to those in my proximity. He ultimitly wants me dead but he will settle for me to be totally self consumed unable to reach beyond the limits of my emotions. So, I took a moment to prioritize the things that i want and then took a moment to see what I could do in the moment to make tose things happen. I clearly don't want to eat dinner. I clearly don't want to gain weight. But I do want to go back to school one day. I do want to get married and have a family. I do want to minister to a lost and hurting world that is unknowingly perishing every moment of every day. So not eating didn't make the cut on priorities. Feeling comfortable didn't make the cut in priorities...because in order to get to the things I want I am going to have to fight through doing the things I do. I am going to have to sit in uncomfortable pain. I am going to have to feel really painful emotions. I am going to have to hold onto the strength that is my savior and walk through the fire...so that I can live a life that is devoted to Him and Him alone. I have wasted enough time being stagnent. I have wasted enough time in momentary comfort that slowly kills me each and every day. I have to believe that He who started a good work in me is faithful to complete it...but I have to let Him. So i sat down and ate my Boca burger. I ate my fruit and my grains...not because it felt good or because I wanted to...but because I want freedom more. I want a family more...I want to live out my dreams and hopes and God given desires MORE than I want to stay out of pain. I will go home tonight and hook up to my feeding tube and pour in 6 cans of formula...so that one day there will no longer be a feeding tube on my face. One day my freedom will be a testimony of the Lord's incredible love for His children...and for his heart to set the captives free.
Isaiah 44:21-22
"Pay attention, O Israel, for you are my servant. I, the LORD, made you, and I will not forget to help you. I have swept away your sins like the morning mists. I have scattered your offenses like the clouds. Oh, return to me, for I have paid the price to set you free."
What a might God we serve. His love so pure...His mercy so abundant. Thank you Jesus that you have ransomed me back to you.
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