to get what you want...

I don't want to get my feeding tube put back in. I really really really don't want to get it put back in. When I took it out on Friday, when it broke, I told my team I would get it put back in on Tuesday. I really did have every intention of getting it put back in. BUT, tomorrow is Tuesday...and funny story, I really don't want to get it put back in. I also really enjoy getting what I want. Its not a quality I love about myself but hey, lets be honest, who doesn't like to get their way? But here is what is amazing...I know that in order to keep it out I will have to eat alot better...so for the last 3 days I have been doing better. I have been almost following the food plan my dietitian and I came up with...to do in addition to the tube feeding. I guess its just funny to see how motivated I can get when I want something bad enough. I really don't want a tube in my nose any longer for the world to see. I figure everyone else gets in enough food by eating...so its not impossible. And it hasn't been perfect...but its been better...which is progress. The hard part is that this season of my life is all about surrendering my will to the Lord...but that also means surrendering to the people He has placed in my life to help me. So, it isn't about what I want to have happen...because clearly I am not the best at knowing what is best for me at this point...hence the tube in my nose the last few months. So, its not about convincing anyone of anything or refusing to follow the advice given to me...because that would be totally against what I have been working so hard to do. Its about being honest about where I am at and then being open to hearing the feedback...which is hard. But i want life. I want to be free. I want to live beyond this bondage. So I surrender my instant gratification and choose a life time of freedom. Because if a tube in my nose is what it takes to get me to the place of being steady in recovery...then that's what it takes. I can do anything for a short amount of time...but without being willing to do whatever it takes I won't have the dignity I am trying to grasp onto...because I won't be living. Its time to be bold. Its time to be anything but ordinary... It's time to "soar on the wings of eagles...run and not grow weary, walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:31)