The substance of my life

Dietitians. Man, what a tough job. I think about how crazy I am when I am full out in my eating disorder and I can't imagine dealing with girls like me all day long. It's funny really because I have such a love hate relationship with mine. Eileen is amazing. I have known and seen alot of dietitians over the years and she really is honestly one of the very best. And I really do think she is great. So when I know other girls have just finished an appointment with her and I am talking to them I always ask how it went and follow it by saying, I just love Eileen! Normally they laugh and annoyingly mutter something about wanting to hear me say that after I have had an appointment with her. And its true. I left an appointment a month or so ago and called one of my best friends and was freaking out telling her that Eileen is "such a bitch!" I have come to realize that I love her but my eating disorder hates her...which I'm sure she would love. Seriously. I bring all this up because I talked with her on the phone today. We were figuring out a time to have an appointment this week and she was asking me how things were going and I always start sentences with her, " Well, I feel like... ." I should know by now that that argument never ever works with her. Because of course my eating disorder will rationalize everything based on how I am emotionally feeling about it. "Well I just feel like everything you are wanting me to eat right now is too much." "Well I just feel like I have gained a ton of weight." I just feel like eating what sounds good in the moment is better then eating what is nutritious. And here is what is amazing...despite all I know about the lies that come with the eating disorder...despite knowing it always leads me away from life and into a place of bondage...despite knowing its trying to kill me and steal all life....STILL i believe it. So i eat a little less then what I am being asked to. I eat an ice cream cone for lunch instead of a well balanced meal. I skip a meal because I know I have gained some weight. I listen to it's voice as if it has always lead me to a place of freedom with every other encounter. So, Eileen's thoughts were helpful. She said that every time I hear that sentence start to form in my head that I feel something and want to act of it, to listen to her voice instead. It sounds easy enough...but we all know just how hard that is. But isn't time to try something different. I sit here with a tube down my nose wondering what I really have to lose. I am tired of people staring at my feeding tube as they walk by. I am tired of feeling like I am constantly being buried alive because I can't think straight. I am tired of watching the lives of the people all around me go to new levels and achieve new dreams as I sit back comforting myself by saying I am thin. The truth is, I am thin. And if you ask me if its worth it I would never ever tell you it is. Lots of people are thin. Lots of people are beautiful. Lots of people are strong and tall and talented. The question is if I am content with my life being fixed upon a physical characteristic. If at the end of the day I am content knowing that I have spent my time and my talents with the goal of being thin. Isn't there more? Isn't there more this world needs? People are hurting and broken and falling apart searching for something or someone to love them. If I am not there to tell them the truth that there is SOMEONE who loves them. There is SOMETHING worth giving your life to. Its Jesus. Its an eternity at stake. I don't want to sit around believing that someone else will buck it up and do that for me. I want my life to matter....but more then that I want my life to be spent glorifying the Lord. So my question to myself today has been "What am I living my life for?" I say I have dreams and hopes and longings...do they all center upon my physical appearance? Is the substance of my life dependent on the size of my jeans? There is so much more to this life then this. We all deserve to live and have joy and experience the hope that comes in total abandon to the Lord. So, its a day at a time. Its a meal at a time. Its a bite at a time. Its taking my life back from the grips of an eating disorder and pursuing freedom.