heavy

Heavy. Thats the only word I have to describe these last few days, weeks, months... I knew getting better wasn't going to be easy. I knew from past attempts that walking out freedom is something that takes alot more courage then it does to stay the same. And I know the good is far out weighing the bad...in the long run at least. But today, man, for a little bit it just caught up to me. I thought that walking this out would at least be more clear...a bit more cut and dry. But when you open the door to a closet stuffed full of emotions nothing becomes cut and dry...in fact everything seems to feel a bit wet and cloudy. Seriously. There is so much in life that you learn by not learning it correctly. The problem is that when you learn it, its normally because it has blown up in your face because the way you were doing it wasn't the most helpful or life breeding...and that is suddenly evident by the mess in front of you. And it hurts. It hurts so much that it makes you want to keep doing it the way you have been because doing something new would require needing to be taught...which would require opening yourself up to needing something from someone and there to be the chance that you mess up again. It just, yeah, hurts. Its hard and it sucks and you want to run anywhere as fast as you can just to escape. But everywhere you turn...every brilliant solution of where you could run to returns to you void. You see that everywhere you look other then at doing exactly what you are doing...is going to lead straight to emotional and physical death. And i don't write all of that to be discouraging. I don't say that to say this is where it ends...run and start over with people who don't know your crap in a new city where you can do whatever the hell you want to and no one will know that you are weak and needy and "sick." You just hit a time and I am so thankful that it is finally here...when running will only lead you into a brick wall. You come to the end of yourself and realize that wow, the stuff I am running from is real. And its horrible. And its painful. But its not nearly as bad as living the way I have been living. You get so sick and tired of being so sick and tired that you get desperate to seek help. You get desperate and start listening to the Lord and start believing that no matter how angry or if you are like me "not angry" you are with the Lord, that at the end of the day He is still totally in love with you. He still will fight for my freedom by not allowing MY self help plans to work out. He will patiently wait and wait and wait because He knows that without Him I will be lost forever. He doesn't pitty me...He LOVES me. He doesn't just put up with me, He wants me. Its hard because most of the time I want nothing to do with "love." But HE wants everything to do with me. But i guess the encoragment in this is that I think in this circumstance, the fact that its this hard shows me I am doing something right. I was never able to relate to the people who just "ready set go" walked into recovery. It always made me wonder what was wrong with me that it is this hard. But do you want to know what I believe it means? That the Lord has big plans for my life. The enemy wants to keep me bound and tied up for a reason and this whole determination I have to walk in the Lord's strength is making him a little angry. But its hard. Its embarassing to me that its so difficult for me to eat three meals in one day. Its embarassing that I am sure I have gained 10 pounds overnight. Its embarassing that I am so "big" and have a feeding tube in my nose...man I won't even get started on the feeding tube. BUT, its hard because my struggle is so difficult for people to get...because most of the time its one the envy. But it has taken me every single day saying out loud to myself, "This is the road to having a family." "This is the road to going back to school." "This is the road to be joyful and confident and have deep and healthy relationships." So I won't lie and tell you it feels good. I won't lie and tell you that the choice is easy in those moments...at least not at first. But I tell myself, its what needs to happen right now...I may not want to not have this eating disorder as a coping tool...but I do want the life that goes with not having it. Its a choice....It's a choice I am making every day. Even in the midst of everything around me, including me, feeling so heavy.
So, be encouraged...facing a lifetime of emotions pushed under the surface that have been numbed out by the eating disorder is hard. Hard doesn't even do it justice. It takes constant focus and constant determination to focus on the Lord and do what I am being told to do with my meal plan and hooking up at night...it may be one of the hardest things I have ever done...but there is grace for that, right? I mean He died once and for all, right? Its just so much more then words. Its so much more then a story in a book that is read at church...He really is everything. Matthew 11:28 says, "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Thats what I need. I need some of that rest...so I keep fighting, eyes focused on Jesus...believing in the ONE who is faithful will complete the work He started all those years ago.