relationships are hard

Life has felt out of control today. I hate feeling out of control. I love the routine and the predictability that an eating disorder brings into my life...I mean aside from the mood swings and the depression. But even those things become predictable and known...and there is something about being able to foresee the feelings and discomforts that you will face instead of facing an unknown situation with unknown emotions. One of the most difficult areas for me is in relationships. I lived life for so long believing that I was my only consistent. Needing anyone else was just setting me up to be hurt and abandoned and I have had enough of that for a life time, thank you very much. The problem with that though was this ever present nagging weight of loneliness. I never had to chance losing someone when I needed them but I also never got to experience the blessing of being known and loved. But you see I can't control other people. I mean, not really. I can manipulate them to try and get them to act in a certain way...but even then, that's not genuine. That brings this false sense of power...which I think I want, until I see that being able to constantly get my way is how I got so deep into the mess I am in. So, I decide to let some people in. Slowly at first. Step by step I start to open up my heart and show them the scars from the battles I faced...battles I shut the door to and never looked back. Days, weeks, and months pass. Before you know it people you stopped thinking about the walls and the layers of protection you have to keep people out. Those few select people pass right security and you don't even notice...until. Until, you ask? Until what? Until the day they trip and stumble over something or start to fade back and it ignites a sensor that you forgot you even had. Abandonment rings though your mind like a fire alarm and you retreat because that's what you have learned to do in a fire. You run as far and as hard as you can until there is no one around you and the air is crisp and cool. But here is the tricky thing. People are human. They trip and fall. They say the wrong things and forget important events. They get busy and miss a meeting. They experience their own fire and they are preoccupied putting it out. Humanity. We deal with people hoping to experience relationship as if we are dealing with Jesus. We want perfection and a money back guarantee. And when I don't get that I walk away disappointed...because my expectations were different from reality. This last year and a half I have slowly started buying back into the concept of doing life with people...that two are better then one...and a whole family - made up of people from all areas of my life- is better then risking nothing and being alone. In the last few months I have for the first time in a long time, set people up above where they should be...and because of that they had nothing to do but fall. The fire alarm sounded loud and clear when they did and I knew, I KNEW, I had the choice to run or to stay and face the pain I was feeling. In passive aggressive anger I shut myself off from their love and I punished them by showing them just how much I didn't need them. And do you want to know who it was that suffered from that decision? It was me. Loneliness invaded once again. So the Lord humbled me and reminded me of just how much I am loved and how much past trauma triggers a response that is not really helpful or necessary. I can't control the triggering emotion or situation...but I can control how I respond. The truth is that I need people. Even as I type those words i get a little bit tense because that is still really hard for me. But God didn't create us to be alone. Adam walked in perfect intimacy with the Lord and the Lord still said he needed a helper, that it wasn't good for man to be alone. The truth is that we are all human and we will make mistakes. Even leaders and mentors and counselors. The truth is that my past experiences and hurts don't have to control my present. So, even today as I was disappointed and frustrated with one of my closest relationships I had to choose how I would respond. I am in a time of alot of transition and my friend and I have two different views of how I need to walk this out. Its painful and stretching and it makes me remember the reasons why I stopped allowing people past the stone cold walls of my heart. And as I sat across from her I made myself look at her from a perspective of love and not from pain...and I realized that I have gained so much through that friendship. I have grown in so many ways and learned so many things. I have learned how to be loved and how to really be a part of a family...she is invaluable to me. I am so thankful and so blessed to call her my friend and she deserves more then for me to expect perfection. And my heart softened. Her humanity shouldn't disappoint me. Her humanity gives me the opportunity to show her love and grace and shows me even more that the only one who is perfect is the Lord. It also allows me to see that often times the person hasn't done anything wrong, they have just accidentally triggered an alarm in my heart. So I take a deep breath and move forward. This world has pain. Relationships are scary and require more vulnerability at times then we think they are worth. But more often then not, that's not the case. And there is of course the factor of not disclosing everything to everyone. But there is grace for a relationship when the Lord has placed it in your life. But in those relationships, though they are scary, they give me the chance to see that every disappointment isn't abandonment. Every miscommunication isn't punishment. And every change in every season isn't devastating. There is so much to learn about finding balance...and experiencing the comfort the Lord always has ready for us. This is about so much more than food. Its about relearning how to live life...and learning that no matter what, its not going to be perfect.